There is sex and there is every-day life, and sometimes each gets in the way of the other. For good and for bad, we think about sex quite often, and we hear about it everywhere, from great and not so great literature, to radio, television, or social media. Most movie and drama series producers have figured out by now that sex and violence is the sure formula for high viewing rates, and that is what they are selling us, most times, in truly distorted ways. Sex causes couples to come together and to break apart, and at least 50% of our society have had affairs outside their relationships. So given the importance and prominence of sex in our lives, shouldn’t we be talking with our partner more often about sex?

While humans are naturally sexual creatures, each person displays particular sexual needs and preferences, which also change throughout the lifespan. The definition of a “fulfilling” sexual life varies from person to person, depending on our biology, past sexual experiences, gender, values, background, presence of trauma, moral and religious beliefs and cultural perceptions about sex. For some people love and sex are two different things that can be perfectly separated, while for others, they can only exist together. People have preferences for different behaviors and practices, including a variety of styles, postures, fantasies, touching, use or not use of props, etc. Such diversity of sexual expressions can enrich and enhance our partnership when we feel safe to share our preferences and learn how they play into our relationship. It also allows us to find the common zone of shared sexual choices and it opens wider the gates to intimacy. Without these conversations, we are left hunting for signs, making assumptions, or ignoring the clues of mutual satisfaction. Even worse, we may fall victim to the many sexual myths that are constantly propagated by the media, and end up comparing our sexual lives to unrealistic standards of sexual gratification. It is empowering to make up our own minds about what fulfilling sex means to each of us.

Life can also get in the way of sex when our sexual needs are not met because of stress, daily little hazards, and a lack of time to relax with our partner. Valuing time off from work, and having clear boundaries with what keeps our minds so busy is essential to help us be present and receptive to physical connection and communication with our partner. Indeed, there is nothing better than a good vacation with plenty of naps to improve our sexual lives!

The most important thing to remember here is that relationships are like plants, which need to be nurtured and taken care of to live and thrive. Developing a healthy sexual practice with our partner is part of maintaining a healthy relationship, and also requires time and hard work. When we dedicate time and space to our sexual life through non-judgmental communication and practice, sex is no longer an ignored and subversive part of ourselves, and life will stop getting in the way of our sexual fulfillment.