It’s healthy to express disagreement to our partner and even to have conflicts we need to negotiate or resolve together. Working through disagreement we show attachment and care, and it’s how we can build a stronger and more intimate relationship. Conflicts only begin to cause erosion when partners becomes inflexible in their views, holding their perspective as the only acceptable truth. In any conversation where we get into the attitude of “I’m right, you are wrong”, or “I’m okay, you are not okay”, there is no space for understanding or love to emerge.

My Zen teacher explained that while most of us think that truth is one and absolute, the truth we fight over in our every day lives is multiple and relative. He used the analogy of two people sitting in a room across from each other. Each sees what’s in front of them and not what’s behind them, so each one has a completely different perspective. One may see a window and a plant, while the other cannot see them because what’s in front of him is a painting and a lamp. Now, is the painting and the lamp that one sees less real than the window and the plant that the other one sees? Truly not!

It’s not useful to defend my perspective against my partner’s forever because the truth has many angles. Instead, I could try to understand how my partner sees the world from their point of view. It is challenging because it requires suspending my judgment, and my need to be right, and becoming curious about my loved one, asking questions and listening with my heart. With this attitude, I may not resolve the problem, but I can increase our chances for better intimacy and friendship.

In any disagreement, there are not one-but-many truths. Perspectives are unique to each person because we all have different conditioning, life experiences, and ways we understand the world. Accepting this premise and applying it to our lives begins the road to higher love, understanding, and healing in loving relationships.